Yesterday, we began our study of 1 Corinthians. We are currently in a place where Paul is demonstrating for us how to deal with conflict (I highly recommend that you read part 1 before you continue reading this).
As a review, here are the three things we should do BEFORE we bring up the point of conflict:
1. Start with who they are and who you are (Amy, you are such a great friend to me, and I hope you know how much I love you.)
2. Remind them of your common cause (I know that both of us are trying to live like Christ, just like millions of other people around the world. I appreciate that we can do this journey together.)
3. Give thanks for them and for God (I am so thankful for your heart and the kind of person you want to be. That is what I love most about you. And I am so thankful that God is still working in both of us to make us more like Himself, and I know that He will accomplish this.)
After those things, we can begin the discussion of the conflict, but I pointed out yesterday, "I love how he uses the word appeal. He's asking them. He's not TELLING them! He saying, "I wonder if I could ask you to think about..." There are no fingers in anyone's face, I'm assuming by the use of that word that Paul is not yelling, rather he is gently speaking out of concern for the other person."
Today, let's take a look at some of the other things to remember as we talk about the conflict.
1. Appeal. Don't accuse. We automatically shut the door and close their ears and hearts when we start with accusations. Start with something like, "I wonder if I could ask you to think about...." There's no need to raise our voice; instead, have a conversation.
2. Desire good for them. Paul says, "I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought." Paul is doing this out of a desire that they could all be united together. The reason we approach someone else must be for THEIR good. It must! No where does the Bible tell US to get revenge -- that's God's job -- so out of brotherly love for one another, we must be in a place where our concern is about them. This is not what the word tells you. The world says, "if someone has wronged you, don't let them step on your pride like that! How dare they?! Go get 'em and tell them what they did to you!" But here you see that Paul never talks about himself or his own crushed pride because of their behavior. He never says, "You hurt my feelings." That fascinates me!! Read the rest of this book with the perspective that Paul has never spoken of himself, because this letter is not about him, it's about his concern and love for them. Read it with that perspective, and I think we will find it to mean so much more! Gosh, I want to approach all of my confrontations that way!
3. It's okay to say where you got your information. I was surprised that Paul "throws Chloe under the bus" so to speak. "My brothers, some from Chloe’s household have informed me that there are quarrels among you." At first I was thinking, poor Chloe, leave her out of it. But the more I thought about WHY Paul would mention her name, the more I thought about how important that might be. Some possible reasons could be:
a. Chloe is concerned.
If the people in the wrong can see that Chloe (and Paul) both care for them deeply, they can choose to see the truth that this confrontation is because so many people LOVE them! A girl friend of mine and I were driving together and catching up on life, and she referred back to a time that she was making some poor choices. She said, "Molly, I knew that you (and all of our close friends) were talking about me when I wasn't around, but I was okay with that because I knew it was out of love for me." I was elated that she could look at it with that perspective, because that was the truth! We were so concerned for her, that we had to put our brains together to come up with a loving and appropriate plan. I really think it's silly when we say that as Christians we should NEVER talk about each other. When we live in community with one another, we do talk out of concern. Just like my friend, I HOPE and pray that my friends will talk about me behind my back when I'm doing something wrong, so that they can come up with a way to lovingly confront me together. Please friends, don't allow me to stay in my sin! Come get me before I fall off a cliff -- that's your job! Chloe and her family are obviously concerned for their dear brothers and sisters, so they talked to Paul about it. And that's a good thing! It's okay that Paul wants the Church to know that he is not the only one who is concerned.
b. Their choices are impacting others.
We don't know the details of what Chloe said to Paul, but perhaps Paul wanted the other Believers to know that they choices do not stay with them only. It's true! Our choices (the good and the bad) can impact many people around us, even in ways we may never see. Sometimes, in our stubborn, self-centered ways, we need to be reminded that it's not all about us! We do not live on an island -- our choice affect people!
c. Chloe has given Paul permission to use her name so that they may live truthfully with one another.
Sometimes I'm surprised at how quickly we will say something, but then we want to stay anonymous from here on out. We're okay to let one person know the truth, but we don't want anyone else to know it. Why?? I think we're afraid of what people will think and say. But in this case, if Chloe knows that what the Church is doing is wrong, she can live confidently in that knowledge. If one of them gets mad at her for saying something to Paul and chooses to come talk to her about it, then she gets the opportunity to explain her love and concern to that person, too, which is even better! If her motives are right (and not for tattling purposes), she can live at peace with her decision to get Paul's help. If there are no lies, why WOULD we hide? That seems like a weak position, and not one of power from the Holy Spirit. If our motives are pure, we don't need to be anonymous! Be bold and confident in your obedience to Christ, and He does call us to sharpen one another as iron sharpens iron. Don't believe the world's stance that everything is okay as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else...I don't know of any decision I could make that wouldn't impact someone else. Think about it...
4. Ask Questions. Again, as we're talking, let's not point fingers. Instead let's ask questions to try to understand the other AND to point to Christ. "What I mean is this: One of you says, “I follow Paul”; another, “I follow Apollos”; another, “I follow Cephas”; still another, “I follow Christ.” Is Christ divided? Was Paul crucified for you? Were you baptized into the name of Paul?" He made his point: You all are divided. But why???
And there, he has made his point: There is no need for division; we are all united in Christ. The rest of the book is further detail and instruction around this point.
So...again, I ask all of us. Who do you need to confront? Are you at a place where you can do it out of LOVE for them and not to revenge your own crushed pride and hurt feelings? The Lord can change your heart on this...He has done it for me many times! Ask him to give you a spirit of humility and love toward the other person, and wait until you can approach them in that way. This what we are called to do. This is how we can be different in our culture -- a light in a dark world.
Whew-ee! I can't wait to see what else the Lord wants to reveal to us in this book! I am over-joyed as I think about you who are on this journey with me to get into the Word more and more regularly. I absolutely love you, and I thank God for your desire to know Him better! That brings me such joy. Keep doing what you're doing, my brothers and sisters! We are in this together!
Have a great weekend everyone! See you Monday morning to continue our study of 1 Corinthians!
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